The Biological Monster or Eight Reasons why Babies-Making needs a Gantt

Yesterday was my B’Day. And as always, it’s the usual well-wishing, happily drinking with friends routine. Still, as always, it’s the usual too much introspection, post aging-depression routine.

Conclusion? Each year it’s increasingly surprising and equally intriguing to (re)discover myself and the monster population within :). This year I shall call it the Biological Monster. This year, as never before, the 24 hrs aka 1440 minutes aka 86400 seconds aka a drop in the life of the Universe made a lot of difference and abruptly rose to life a new monster: The Biological Monster.

Definition: The Biological Monster is defined as a form of life generated in the depths of the subconscious. It is empowered by the lengthy family tree that connects me to my cave grand-grand-mother and programmed more accurately than the latest software on my laptop to preserve the species and give birth to the next generation while in bloom and full capacity.

Symptoms: for us “modern urban working women” the Biological Monster usually starts its active life at the bridge between the age of 25 and 26. It slowly but surely gains control by the age of 30 unless systematically eliminated in the meantime and it erupts on your 30th B’day in the form of a generalized and hopeless depression followed by symptoms of diminished self-worth and increased unjustified meaninglessness. Most common ways of extermination are work-alcoholism, alcoholism and/or “no man good enough for me”-ism. Side effects: All above treatments are considered to be radical and potentially harmful for the whole organism up to the potential extermination of the host in case of severe overdose.

The Biological Monster and I. At first (yesterday) it kindda' freaked me out... Than it gave me bad dreams related to the effects of work-alcoholism and “no man good enough for me”-ism. In the morning I decided to accept its presence and make it a nice hut to reside in. During the day I accepted a first defeat by my grand-grand- mothers through their transmissible monster creature: if my being 25 yesterday was plus one year without becoming accidentally pregnant (that in my world equaled tragedy), my being 26 turned into minus four years by the time you GOTTA have a baby! Confusing, huh? It kindda’ feels like starting off on a marathon race and after almost ten long years of running someone pops up and starts screaming: “You stupid!!!!! You have only four more years left to get back where you started off! The bloody ‘starting’ line is actually the ‘finish’ line!!! What? They told you something else ten years ago? Forget about it! Make it back in four years tops! It’s the new strategic PRIORITY!!!”

It’s past midnight and I wonder how in the world would a smart chick like me tear down in four what has been build (and restored and reinforced) in ten... How in the world do you tackle with a ten-year full time job when your boss pops up one random Monday morning and lets you know he’s just figured that your work is crap and you have four more years to undo it all? So... one coffee later it dawns on me: let’s start with a Gantt!


The benefits:

1. Besides being numb, I’m scared. It’s like my first sales meeting. Best way to keep stuff from happening? Take time in planning how they should happen!

2. Never be satisfied with the amount or quality of the info and resources available! And in order for your lack of satisfaction to be justified, make a Gantt to show the challenging needs of such strategic project!

3. A Gantt is trendy and profiles you as knowledgeable! Action is the dusty old school of the cave grand-mother while planning is the buzz of the modern birth-control pills century :).

4. Doing a Gantt shows (again) you DID something! Goals not reached are the victims of the context not the effects of inaction. What? Action? Planning IS action!!!

5. There are some inalienable truths of our times: purses are to match your shoes and incidentally carry your stuff; mobiles are to fit your status and incidentally enable you communicate; Gantts are to show that you care and incidentally lead to action and yes, sex is to give us pleasure and incidentally “produce” babies! Du-u-uh!

6. The Gantt to the action is like sex to babies-making: should get you there or... make you think you’re doing it already!

7. We live in complicated times: I barely get to visit my parents and you tell me I can do more without planning more?

8.Planning well but failing to implement still leaves me with a good plan! Hmmm... I can sell it and become a Babies-Making consultant :)! Who wouldn’t invest some money in order to righteously postpone an action that requires taking full responsibility?

These being said, I feel like the first real chances to kick-ass show up... And if Gantt doesn’t do the job I’ll just start with the Climate Change lessons and the Increased Population Pressure issue on the planet that the ancestral Biological Monster is ignorantly unaware of! Or... maybe I give in one day...

Hugs,
Lexy. Minus four. In denial. Busy planning.